As I sit here to write this, I can’t believe how long it’s been since I’ve written a post! I went from blogging nearly every day for 2 years to going on a hiatus. When I stepped into 2018, I knew it was going to be a powerful year full of changes. I thought the changes were going to be around my business but I had no idea of what I was setting into motion.
Long story short, I moved back from overseas to my home state. I did so in pursuit of growing my business but as it turns out it was something bigger than that. I ended up building the courage to walk away from a 10 year marriage I was unhappy in. For so long I’d felt ashamed and guilty to leave. I wasn’t confident that my unhappiness was enough of a reason to walk away. I tried to make it work but realized I’d done all I could. I could either continue to punish myself and remain in a relationship I wasn’t happy in or I could walk away and be happy on my own. So I ended up walking away.
It brought up a lot of insecurities I didn’t even realize I had. I didn’t want to be a divorcee. It was like I was proving everyone right, everyone who told me not to get married so young or get married to him. I felt like a failure. I didn’t want to be a single mom (officially anyway). I still had the desire to have more children but felt like that wasn’t a possibility for me anymore and yet another insecurity… a mom with children by different fathers. That’s something I wasn’t even willing to let my mind explore.
I felt like a total, utter, and complete failure. I’d done so many things “right” yet somehow I managed to become the very stereotypes I wanted to avoid. I had so much guilt and shame, I didn’t know where to hide. So I completely withdrew. I fell off the face of the blogosphere, stopped posting on social media, and just threw myself into my work.
So here I am, four months later, resurfacing. It’s something I’ve been wanting to do for a couple of months now but haven’t made the time. Today I was up a little earlier than usual and had a moment and figured it was the perfect time to get back out. I’m not in that place of guilt or shame. It was very heavy at first but didn’t last long, only a couple of weeks. I just needed the extra time to process and work through the transition phase without the pressure of posting.
Not long after I officially called it quits on my marriage, I spent a weekend journaling, reflecting, and processing. I made three lists. One was 10 things I learned about myself over the past 10 years. Another was 10 things I learned about being in a broken relationship. The last was 10 things I wanted in a future partner. I’d been lonely for so long and had nothing but time to work on myself as a person and get to know myself as an individual. I was so ready to meet someone.
I wasn’t planning on getting in a relationship. In fact, I just wanted to have some fun and live the single life for a bit. The thing is, I knew that deep down, I wanted a meaningful connection and relationship. The universe knew it as well because it ended up delivering what my heart’s true desire was not what my head was planning…
To be continued