For years there’s nothing I wanted more than a true, meaningful, and deep connection with someone. A love that would stand the test of time. A partner who was as equally invested in the relationship as I was. Someone who shared my values and had a similar vision for their life. I didn’t think I was asking for much but at the same time felt like it was so far-fetched.
I had no idea where or how to meet someone. The dating scene has changed so much in the decade I’ve been away from it. It’s all about social media and online platforms now. I was terrified to even think about dating! I’ve heard so many stories from women I know, I dreaded getting out there. So I did what I always push myself to do when I’m afraid, face the fear!
I did some quick online research and decided to download a dating app. I chose one based on ease of use and popularity (only to find out later it was also the main one used for hook ups). Yes, I got on Tinder. I sat and swiped left for no (and occasionally right for yes) for far longer than I care to admit…
I set some ground rules for myself in the beginning. The main one being not to let looks sway my decision. While I don’t consider myself superficial, it’s hard not to let looks play a part in a virtual situation… I played according to my rules until I came across an account that not only peaked my interest but intrigued me.
While he did have something on his bio, it was very vague. I’d already learned that once you swipe left, there’s no undoing it. So I swiped right and reasoned that worst case scenario, I could always block him if there was nothing more than a physical attraction (in the event he even swiped right for me!).
For the sake of making a long story short, he also swiped right. I sent him the first message after waiting an hour to hear from him. About an hour after that, we took our conversation from texting within the app to talking on the phone. That led to an 8-hour overnight conversation! We started that conversation as strangers who met by chance on a dating app and ended it baring our souls to one another. I couldn’t believe how deeply I connected with him.
It took me facing some of my deepest fears and insecurities and being willing to let go of comfort to make room to receive what I’ve always wanted.
Looking back, I realize that I had to let go of everything that wasn’t working. For so long I’d tried to fix and force a broken relationship to work. I was fed up yet comfortable enough not to want to start over. Until I decided to stop settling. I realized that it could be worse but it could also be better. Once I decided to choose happiness even if it meant being alone (forever) that’s when everything was put into motion.
Even in moving forward and starting the relationship I’ve always yearned for, I had to face some deep-rooted insecurities. I thought I’d have to lose 40 pounds before I could even think of getting in a relationship. As it turns out, I didn’t lose any weight and at my heaviest, I started a new relationship. I never wanted to be with someone who was good looking (much less way better looking than I). Yup, I had trust issues and thought that good looking guys were just too much maintenance.
I also had to accept that I was deserving of love. Even though I was at my heaviest, even though I felt like a failure, even though I’ve always been told how difficult I am, even though… I still deserved to be in a healthy relationship and loved for who I am in the process of who I strive to be.
We both came into the relationship ready for something real. We didn’t just put our best foot forward. We shared our flaws. We exposed our mistakes. We shared our weaknesses. We were real and didn’t play games. We were both ready, willing, and looking for the same thing. Funny how neither one of us said it in our bio because who says they’re looking for what we have on Tinder?!
For the first time in my life, I know what it feels like to be in love. It’s as vulnerable as it is incredible! I’ll share more on that thought in another post but for now, I’ll just marinate in this feeling. I’m not used to sharing the details and backstory in this way but with this new chapter comes a new way of blogging I suppose…