Oh how things change… I can’t believe how long it’s been since the last time I posted. I remember a time not so long ago yet it seems like a lifetime ago, where I posted regularly at least three times a week… Then life got complicated. I decided to end a 10-year marriage and just needed time for myself. Time to retreat within myself. Time to process things for myself. I never planned on taking such a long hiatus. I walked away from my blog as well as a women’s group I’d put a lot of energy into building on Facebook. I didn’t even host the third annual Kindness Practice…Yes, life took a different path than I intended indeed.
For a while it seemed like it was for the better. I’d found love and was settling into a new relationship. The girls were adjusting to the recent changes in our lives. Things were going well at work. And then things started to change. At first I didn’t want to see them. I wanted to pretend like it was just a rough patch and things would be ok. But I knew the feeling and the signs all too well. Yet again, I was in the predicament where I was in a relationship that wasn’t going to work.
I wanted to make it work at all costs. I tried everything I could. Until I knew I was holding onto the fantasy of what could have been instead of accepting the reality of what was. We went back and forth on what to do. Whether to stay or go our separate ways. But in the end it was clear, the best thing to do was to walk away.
So, here I am, five months pregnant with my third child. Officially a single mom of two girls with another on the way. And while I could sit and wallow in the sorrow, hurt, and shame, I know how dangerous that can be. So instead of holing myself up at home and eating the pain away one warm chocolate chip cookie at a time (well, I am allowing myself the occasional cookie… I am pregnant after all 😉 ) I’ve decided it’s time to come out of my hole and share this. Because there’s nothing more destructive in my life than living in shame.
Instead of fearing what others will think, what they’ll say, how they’ll judge me, I’m laying it out there. I made the same mistake twice. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret the time I’ve spent in those two relationships. I don’t want the hands of time to go back and undo it. I just recognize that I went too deep, too fast. So if there’s a lesson to be learned, it’s to slow down. This isn’t a hard and fast rule but what my experience has taught me is that it takes a good six months to really get to know someone. For them to feel comfortable being who they really are around you.
There’s a Japanese saying that says something along the lines of-
“we all have three faces, the one we share with the world, the one we share with those closest to us, and the one we don’t let anyone see.”
I go into things letting people see the face I share with those closest to me. I have to realize that not everyone lives that way. Others take a while to let you see the part of them that only those closest to them see. So while I’m hurting and heartbroken. While the emotional pain is so deep it almost physically hurts… I’m choosing to show up. To speak up. To share this because I know that this is the antidote to shame. And while it hurts now, it will heal in time.
I picked up a book today while I took my youngest to the library to play. It’s called “It’s Called a Break Up because it’s Broken”. I started reading it while she played to see if it’s something that spoke to me before checking it out. Speak to me it did! It spoke so deeply to what I’m currently going through that I was crying in the kid’s zone of the library… like snot running down my face, no tissue in my hand, wipe my nose on my sleeve, ugly, uncontrollable yet silent sobbing. Needless to say, playtime at the library was cut short because mama needed to get her ish together and by that I mean go home where I could cry in peace.
One of the first lines that got to me was, “Being brokenhearted is like having broken ribs. On the outside it looks like nothing’s wrong, but every breath hurts.”
That’s exactly where I’m at right now. Brokenhearted. Disheartened. Feeling like a fool. And ultimately, like a failure- again. I’m not where I thought I’d be at this point in my life. Mid-thirties, single mom of two girls with another on the way, with two different men. But I can’t dwell on that. At the end of the day, I’m glad that’s the worst thing in my life. I have my health, my children’s health, a wonderful job that allows me to be financially stable on my own, a wonderful support system, and so many other things to be grateful for. So while this sucks, it’s not that bad in the grand scheme of things.
Anyway, if you’re still with me at this point, I just wanted to give an update because I’ve been MIA. I’m embarrassed and ashamed but I’m coming back to the blogosphere because there’s no place I’d rather be as I pull myself out of this with the help of those who love and support me. It’s been a while and for that I’m sorry. But thanks for reading and I hope that 2019 has been good to you so far.