Heartbreak is like having broken ribs…

Oh how things change… I can’t believe how long it’s been since the last time I posted. I remember a time not so long ago yet it seems like a lifetime ago, where I posted regularly at least three times a week… Then life got complicated. I decided to end a 10-year marriage and just needed time for myself. Time to retreat within myself. Time to process things for myself. I never planned on taking such a long hiatus. I walked away from my blog as well as a women’s group I’d put a lot of energy into building on Facebook. I didn’t even host the third annual Kindness Practice…Yes, life took a different path than I intended indeed.

For a while it seemed like it was for the better. I’d found love and was settling into a new relationship. The girls were adjusting to the recent changes in our lives. Things were going well at work. And then things started to change. At first I didn’t want to see them. I wanted to pretend like it was just a rough patch and things would be ok. But I knew the feeling and the signs all too well. Yet again, I was in the predicament where I was in a relationship that wasn’t going to work.

I wanted to make it work at all costs. I tried everything I could. Until I knew I was holding onto the fantasy of what could have been instead of accepting the reality of what was. We went back and forth on what to do. Whether to stay or go our separate ways. But in the end it was clear, the best thing to do was to walk away.

So, here I am, five months pregnant with my third child. Officially a single mom of two girls with another on the way. And while I could sit and wallow in the sorrow, hurt, and shame, I know how dangerous that can be. So instead of holing myself up at home and eating the pain away one warm chocolate chip cookie at a time (well, I am allowing myself the occasional cookie… I am pregnant after all 😉 ) I’ve decided it’s time to come out of my hole and share this. Because there’s nothing more destructive in my life than living in shame.

Instead of fearing what others will think, what they’ll say, how they’ll judge me, I’m laying it out there. I made the same mistake twice. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret the time I’ve spent in those two relationships. I don’t want the hands of time to go back and undo it. I just recognize that I went too deep, too fast. So if there’s a lesson to be learned, it’s to slow down. This isn’t a hard and fast rule but what my experience has taught me is that it takes a good six months to really get to know someone. For them to feel comfortable being who they really are around you.

There’s a Japanese saying that says something along the lines of-

“we all have three faces, the one we share with the world, the one we share with those closest to us, and the one we don’t let anyone see.”

I go into things letting people see the face I share with those closest to me. I have to realize that not everyone lives that way. Others take a while to let you see the part of them that only those closest to them see. So while I’m hurting and heartbroken. While the emotional pain is so deep it almost physically hurts… I’m choosing to show up. To speak up. To share this because I know that this is the antidote to shame. And while it hurts now, it will heal in time.

I picked up a book today while I took my youngest to the library to play. It’s called “It’s Called a Break Up because it’s Broken”. I started reading it while she played to see if it’s something that spoke to me before checking it out. Speak to me it did! It spoke so deeply to what I’m currently going through that I was crying in the kid’s zone of the library… like snot running down my face, no tissue in my hand, wipe my nose on my sleeve, ugly, uncontrollable yet silent sobbing. Needless to say, playtime at the library was cut short because mama needed to get her ish together and by that I mean go home where I could cry in peace.

One of the first lines that got to me was, “Being brokenhearted is like having broken ribs. On the outside it looks like nothing’s wrong, but every breath hurts.”

That’s exactly where I’m at right now. Brokenhearted. Disheartened. Feeling like a fool. And ultimately, like a failure- again. I’m not where I thought I’d be at this point in my life. Mid-thirties, single mom of two girls with another on the way, with two different men. But I can’t dwell on that. At the end of the day, I’m glad that’s the worst thing in my life. I have my health, my children’s health, a wonderful job that allows me to be financially stable on my own, a wonderful support system, and so many other things to be grateful for. So while this sucks, it’s not that bad in the grand scheme of things.

Anyway, if you’re still with me at this point, I just wanted to give an update because I’ve been MIA. I’m embarrassed and ashamed but I’m coming back to the blogosphere because there’s no place I’d rather be as I pull myself out of this with the help of those who love and support me. It’s been a while and for that I’m sorry. But thanks for reading and I hope that 2019 has been good to you so far.

 

23 Replies to “Heartbreak is like having broken ribs…”

  1. I’m with you my friend. You are indeed surrounded by love and are always held by the Divine. Another great read at times like you are going through is ‘When things fall apart’ by Pema Chrodron. 🤗❤️

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  2. Nice to see you back, I have a little saying “” mistakes are painful, but as time goes by, it becomes a collection of experiences called lessons” just hang in there, you and your beautiful girls will be great once again, so pleased you are with us again…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi ya Niki, it’s been too long since we last spoke. I see that life for you has been change upon change and not all positive, but if there’s one thing that I have taken from life and from you and out chats is that we live life and shit happens, not always in the best way but we all learn something from it that helps us on our way.
    I think you’re being very hard on yourself, you have nothing to be ashamed of and I would challenge anyone that would judge you. YOu have dared to live, you have challenged yourself to find happiness and you are where you are. It’s not for the worse, ot better it just is what it is. There will be joy of new life and the hardship of being alone your life is nothing to be ashamed of, to a greater degree I envy your courage.

    It’s good to see you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Simon!! It’s been way too long! I’m so glad to be back (even after a scare of being locked out of WP and not having access to the email tied to it!!) but I was able to figure it out and get back in- obviously… ha!

      You’re right, life happens and we choose to make the best of it should we want to. I just find it theraputic to write how I feel as I feel in the moment. I could journal but blogging kills two birds with one stone!

      I agree, for the most part, there’s so much joy in my new life already. The vibe and energy of the house, the dynamic between the girls and I, the freedom of judgement in my own home, it’s really nice.

      Of course I realize that the shame comes from my own expectations and insecurities. When I talked to the people I was most ashamed to share this with, they were all so incredibly supportive and didn’t focus on the things I was so afraid to disclose. They were more proud of me for sharing the things I struggled with the most. Which is what proves to me that talking about it is better than bottling it up. Just like we often worry about things that don’t happen, I feel shame around things that people don’t even think twice about…

      Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement! So great to reconnect! Hope all is well!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Hey Niki, good to hear from you, I didn’t know you had been locked out of your email and WordPress…. How did that happen?

        I know how you feel about the shame as we put such high expectations on ourselves, and I know that I do the same thing. But I’m sure you’ve suggested that in the past to me that this is a harmful thing to do so I’m going to give that little gem back to you. I just wish you have a happy and fulfilling life and that all goes well for you from now on.

        It’s been great to hear from you and I hope to see you about. Things are ok with me… I still have trials but I’m trying to rise above it all.

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      2. Yeah it’s an email I only use for WP so since it’s been ages since I’ve blogged, I just forgot the password. I have a recovery email set up but since I was trying to use it from the States after my last login being in Spain… Google just didn’t believe it was me and wouldn’t send my login reset to my backup account.

        I was finally able to remember my WP login thank goodness because no luck getting the WP team to help me on their end. So I’m just glad I was able to remember and get in and update the email address to one I use more regularly so that doesn’t happen again!!

        Oh it’s absolutely harmful which is why I blog. If I’m sharing I’m not hiding in shame. Thank you for the encouragement.

        I’m glad that you’re doing the best you can, that’s all you can ask of yourself.

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      3. That sounds like such a chore, you must have been really pissed and thinking you weren’t going to get your blog back. Glad you did…

        I’ll always encourage you. But as you have me… At some point we’ll have to have a proper catch up 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh, Niki…that is so sad, and I am so, so sorry. We make decisions with the best information we have at the time, and sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t. You’re a strong person, and you’ll get through this, no matter how much it hurts. Take care of yourself! Big hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This is my first time coming to your blog via a share from Tikeetha T.

    I didn’t anticipate this.

    I won’t offer you “it will be OK.” Because that’s the worse thing to hear in times like this. I can’t fathom the pain you feel, broken ribs is a solid analogy to represent the pain one feels at times like these. Needless to say, I’ve been there. Not the same exactly, but the pain of feeling like a failure after a few broken relationships in which children were created.

    I totally empathize.

    So often we believe that because you’re a woman, and I’m a man, we couldn’t possibly feel the same. No way a man can understand what a woman is going through. I don’t agree. I had visions of grandeur… marriage, dog and house, trips, etc. So I know…

    One of the great things I’ve noticed about you already is that you are strong. The fact that you came back to your blog, the fact that you are humble about what you’re going through instead of acting like you’re OK. You’re not OK, and it’s OK to feel (not OK). As a culture, we’re so caught up trying to create a perception of no-pain. You are giving others strength to open up and I want to say thank you.

    You have inspired me to write a blog about the pain I’ve gone through… and maybe it will help someone through their tough time.

    No matter what, you haven’t forgotten yourself. You’re still here kicking for your two girls and baby on the way. I admire a resilient person. I respect humility. Most of all, complete transparency is a phase of healing that you need.

    Thank you for posting this. I needed to read it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Jay, so nice to meet you! Love that you found me by way of Ms. Tikeetha! I love me some her!

      I wrote this post in the very wake of the breakup. I didn’t want to wait for weeks, months or years to pass. To me there’s something so powerful about sharing how I feel in the midst of a struggle.

      It’ so easy to write about it once the pain has healed and I’ve recovered from the broken ribs so to speak. But talking about it when it hurts, when it’s raw, when I don’t know how things are going to work out or come together… it’s just different.

      It’s so tempting to pretend to be ok and I like I have it all together… but the reality is, there are days that are downright hard. I consider myself to be a pretty resilient person and I know that if I’m going through a situation and feeling some type of way, odds are there are others out there too.

      What I’ve learned from past experiences (specifically multiple miscarriages) is that all it takes is for one person to speak up and then everyone around them realizes they aren’t alone. So while it’s best for my pride and ego to put on this front that I’ve got this… I know that it makes for a lonely struggle behind the scenes. I’ve never felt more supported than when I open up about how I feel in the middle of the messy part of a process.

      Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment. I’m so glad the post was so timely for you. I’m sure that by opening up, you’ll reach and touch those who need to read your words.

      Thank you so much for your kind words, they’re greatly appreciated. Have a wonderful rest of your week!

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