It’s funny the gamut of emotions I’m going through right now. I never know how any given day is going to unfold. I might be fine for a few days or a week, and then get out of the shower and cry in bed uncontrollably. This is the first break up that’s impacted me in this way. You see, I haven’t been in many relationships and my 10-year marriage sort of faded to an end and we both knew it was over and just needed to call it.
The thing is, I’m stuck in this place between what my mind knows and my heart feels. Logically, I know this breakup was for the best. I know we weren’t a good fit. I know that there were underlying issues that weren’t being addressed. Baggage that hadn’t been dealt with. Behaviors that weren’t acceptable. I knew the relationship was headed into unhealthy territory (or already there if I’m really honest with myself) and going our separate ways was the best thing for both of us.
Yet even though I know all of this in my head, my heart still hurts. I make it through the day and in the quiet moments I have to myself, I miss the familiar and the idea of what could have been. I think that’s what I need to recognize… I’m not mourning what was so much as the fantasy of what could have been. I thought it was my last relationship. I thought he was the one. I thought we were such a great fit at first and there were so many little unexpected ways it was confirmed without looking for them. Yet here I am, post breakup, dealing with the roller coaster of emotions that flood me every now and then.
I have to process and accept that things didn’t turn out the way I thought they would. I have to deal with the disappointment yet again of someone being who they thought I wanted them to be instead of just being who they really were from the get go. I have to deal with the insecurity of my intuition failing me (or rather my gross negligence in listening to that tiny feeling in the lower left side of my gut that told me no but I moved forward thinking it was fear or self-sabotage talking).
I want to mourn this loss so I can realize that often times, it’s the very failure that puts us on the path to success. Because that’s what this feels like right now- an epic failure. But I can’t dwell on that because even though it wasn’t all good it wasn’t all bad either. We had some good times together and I can’t help but believe we served a purpose in each other’s lives (even though it wasn’t what either of us thought).
So now, I navigate this awkward road of not being together but bringing a child into the world this summer. Getting to a mutual understanding and agreement of how to proceed. Getting clear on the expectations and how to handle what this will look like. But I have four months before the baby comes. So in the meantime, I’ll focus on me. On going through this process. On getting through the roller coaster of emotions. On building myself up again. On loving myself through this. I’ll do it for me but draw the strength in knowing that ultimately it benefits my girls.
Just another day post breakup on this ride of emotions. Instead of burring the feelings or numbing them, I’m choosing to lean into them- hard. Letting the tears flow freely. Letting the pain run as deep as it has to so it can run its course. Going through this process knowing that it will hurt until at some point it doesn’t. Focusing on the future ahead while enjoying the moment I’m in. Not letting my pain and heartache take away from the experience of my girls’ childhood. And hoping that I can do what it takes to alleviate the damage an experience like this can cause them.
I recently shared in another post that I had to leave the library because I was hit with a wave of emotion and needed to get out of there with my ugly crying self! Looking back, do you have a funny memory about the breakup emotional roller coaster you’d like to share? Maybe it wasn’t funny then but it is now (and that’s how you know you’ve moved on, when you can talk about something that was once painful without it bringing that same emotion when you tell the story)…