This whole break up situation has been complicated to say the least. I’m at the point where most days I’m fine and every now and then when I least expect it, I’m not. For example, I recently went to Napa for a weekend. I was on a workcation. The whole team spent a weekend in Napa coming up with the business goals and vision for the year and mapping out how we were going to make it happen.
It was a wonderful weekend filled with good food, better company, and laughter. It’s also the first time since I can remember since I’ve had that much time to myself. And by “that much” I mean a few hours because my day was occupied with work related stuff from 9 am until 10 pm. In the half hour between the time I got to my hotel room and fell asleep watching trashy reality TV, I was fine. It wasn’t until Sunday that something unexpected stirred within me.
I didn’t set an alarm because we didn’t have to meet until 10:15 am in the lobby to check out and head to brunch. I figured I’d let myself sleep in and let the day unfold. Well, it was a good plan, but I fell asleep at 11 the night before and was up by 6 in the morning. I eased myself out of bed, took a shower and journaled. By that point it was 8 am and figured I’d go ahead and meet the group for the optional morning walk at 8:30.
I got dressed and headed down to the lobby. 8:30 came and went, and no one was in the lobby… I thought it was odd because I knew if no one else went, my boss would. So I texted her at 8:35 and it turns out she scheduled a meeting with someone on the team along with her husband and business partner. Two members of the team were in route to the airport and the last member of the team I only assumed decided to sleep in. So that left me as the only one who decided to go on the optional walk.
I figured I could use the fresh air and was already dressed for the occasion so I decided to go for the morning walk. It was cloudy, chilly, and sprinkling ever so lightly. As I walked, I was overcome with sorrow. I suddenly felt overwhelmed and genuinely bad for myself. I kept thinking, “I know that I have what it takes to raise three girls on my own, but I don’t want to”. This isn’t what I signed up for. This isn’t how things were supposed to go. Tears streamed down my cheeks and I began to cry in earnest.
It was early but my mom had my daughters for the weekend so I knew she was up. I texted her just to be sure and she didn’t answer right away. I kept walking until she finally called me back. By that point I had a lump in my throat that I just couldn’t contain and began to cry so hard I couldn’t even talk. My mom was able to make out words here and there to get the gist of what I was going through. I walked haphazardly and somehow managed to walk further and further from my destination. Turns out it’s hard to hear over such sobbing and see through the tears, Google Maps was no help in those adverse emotional conditions.
As I walked and talked with my mom, I was able to get back to a place of reason. No, this isn’t what I signed up for. No, this isn’t how I pictured my life. No, this isn’t how I want things to be. But, it’s the reality of my life right now. My mom told me that she truly believes I’m not meant to be alone. Although that’s the way things are in this moment, she doesn’t think it’ll be forever. I know a part of me believes that too but in that moment, I just needed to release the heartbreak and disappointment of the present situation.
As I sit here writing this almost a week later, I’m still saddened at the thought of doing this alone. It’s not that I can’t, it’s that not how I pictured my life. And it’s hard. I rarely get a break. Everything falls on me. Between work and running a household alone, sometimes it just feels like too much. This isn’t new to me. I’ve always felt like a single mom because my ex husband worked so much it all fell on me anyway. I guess it just gets to me because I was hoping for things to be different. To have a partner.
But, this is my reality. It’s one of my own doing. So no sense in dwelling on it. All I can do is accept what is, process the feelings as they come up, pick up the pieces, and move forward. At the end of the day, we’re all healthy and relatively happy. I’m grateful to make enough to pay my bills without help from anyone. I’m grateful to have two wonderful daughters who chose me to be their mom. I’m going to focus on the things I can control and rebuilding my life from the place I’m at. Because that’s all I can do even though this isn’t what I signed up for.