This isn’t what I signed up for

This whole break up situation has been complicated to say the least. I’m at the point where most days I’m fine and every now and then when I least expect it, I’m not. For example, I recently went to Napa for a weekend. I was on a workcation. The whole team spent a weekend in Napa coming up with the business goals and vision for the year and mapping out how we were going to make it happen.

It was a wonderful weekend filled with good food, better company, and laughter. It’s also the first time since I can remember since I’ve had that much time to myself. And by “that much” I mean a few hours because my day was occupied with work related stuff from 9 am until 10 pm. In the half hour between the time I got to my hotel room and fell asleep watching trashy reality TV, I was fine. It wasn’t until Sunday that something unexpected stirred within me.

I didn’t set an alarm because we didn’t have to meet until 10:15 am in the lobby to check out and head to brunch. I figured I’d let myself sleep in and let the day unfold. Well, it was a good plan, but I fell asleep at 11 the night before and was up by 6 in the morning. I eased myself out of bed, took a shower and journaled. By that point it was 8 am and figured I’d go ahead and meet the group for the optional morning walk at 8:30.

I got dressed and headed down to the lobby. 8:30 came and went, and no one was in the lobby… I thought it was odd because I knew if no one else went, my boss would. So I texted her at 8:35 and it turns out she scheduled a meeting with someone on the team along with her husband and business partner. Two members of the team were in route to the airport and the last member of the team I only assumed decided to sleep in. So that left me as the only one who decided to go on the optional walk.

I figured I could use the fresh air and was already dressed for the occasion so I decided to go for the morning walk. It was cloudy, chilly, and sprinkling ever so lightly. As I walked, I was overcome with sorrow. I suddenly felt overwhelmed and genuinely bad for myself. I kept thinking, “I know that I have what it takes to raise three girls on my own, but I don’t want to”. This isn’t what I signed up for. This isn’t how things were supposed to go. Tears streamed down my cheeks and I began to cry in earnest.

It was early but my mom had my daughters for the weekend so I knew she was up. I texted her just to be sure and she didn’t answer right away. I kept walking until she finally called me back. By that point I had a lump in my throat that I just couldn’t contain and began to cry so hard I couldn’t even talk. My mom was able to make out words here and there to get the gist of what I was going through. I walked haphazardly and somehow managed to walk further and further from my destination. Turns out it’s hard to hear over such sobbing and see through the tears, Google Maps was no help in those adverse emotional conditions.

As I walked and talked with my mom, I was able to get back to a place of reason. No, this isn’t what I signed up for. No, this isn’t how I pictured my life. No, this isn’t how I want things to be. But, it’s the reality of my life right now. My mom told me that she truly believes I’m not meant to be alone. Although that’s the way things are in this moment, she doesn’t think it’ll be forever. I know a part of me believes that too but in that moment, I just needed to release the heartbreak and disappointment of the present situation.

As I sit here writing this almost a week later, I’m still saddened at the thought of doing this alone. It’s not that I can’t, it’s that not how I pictured my life. And it’s hard. I rarely get a break. Everything falls on me. Between work and running a household alone, sometimes it just feels like too much. This isn’t new to me. I’ve always felt like a single mom because my ex husband worked so much it all fell on me anyway. I guess it just gets to me because I was hoping for things to be different. To have a partner.

But, this is my reality. It’s one of my own doing. So no sense in dwelling on it. All I can do is accept what is, process the feelings as they come up, pick up the pieces, and move forward. At the end of the day, we’re all healthy and relatively happy. I’m grateful to make enough to pay my bills without help from anyone. I’m grateful to have two wonderful daughters who chose me to be their mom. I’m going to focus on the things I can control and rebuilding my life from the place I’m at. Because that’s all I can do even though this isn’t what I signed up for.

6 Replies to “This isn’t what I signed up for”

      1. “Alone” seems to mean raising your girls without a partner/lover to share in the responsibility, joy, and struggle. But if you have friends, family, and even work colleagues who share these things without necessarily sharing your home or being partners in the traditional sense, is it possible you’re not “alone.” Just a thought that came to me as I was reading your post. Wishing you well!

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      2. Actually I don’t. I am alone. My mom is young and of working age, so she can’t help as much as I know she’d like to otherwise. I work from home so my work colleagues are spread out across the world. It’s not a reframing thing or a redefining thing. It’s the reality. It’s ok it’s just back to square one… I’m just sharing the reality of my experience in real time as I work through this and process my feelings as they come.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. I wound up alone soon after having my second daughter. I felt a lot of the things you are feeling-it wasn’t supposed to be that way! Now she’s 8, her dad & I co-parent pretty beautifully, and I’m still happily single. It’s been hard for me to relinquish control & allow others to help me, actually. 😂 You know, this isn’t the life I thought I’d have. In a lot of ways, it’s a million times better! I am truly so proud of how capable I am, and I know I need this space to deal with my own issues and become the person I was meant to be. I’m in no hurry, I’m positive I’m headed in the right direction. But I remember crying those same tears. Having to let go of the dreams I had for a life that was no longer on the horizon. It stinks. I’m sorry you’re going through it. ❤️ Sending love.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know things will get better. It just sucks right now in this moment. Still letting go of the idea of what could have been, accepting what is, and moving forward in the process. I’ve been doing this on my own in many ways for years. I think I’m just disappointed that it seemed like things would be different. But this is the situation at hand and I’ll get through. I just don’t want to gloss over it and look back in 5 years and share after the hurt has healed and my life is in a better place. There’s something about sharing in the rawness that seems powerful to me.

      I’m so happy for you!! I love hearing from those who have been there and have gone through the valley and are well on their way to the peak. Thanks for sharing!

      Liked by 1 person

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